TASK 6 Opinion writing (3)
Please write an essay consisting of a minimum of 250 words.
"In some cultures, parents play a significant role in choosing their child's future career path. What are the benefits and drawbacks of parental influence in career decisions? Share your opinion and provide relevant examples"
Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents both the benefits and drawbacks of parental influence in career decisions. The ideas are clearly expressed, and relevant examples are provided to support the points made. However, there are a few areas where improvement is needed. Here's a breakdown of the essay's strengths and weaknesses based on IELTS Task 2 criteria:
ReplyDeleteTask Response: The essay addresses the topic and provides a clear opinion on the benefits and drawbacks of parental influence in career decisions. Relevant examples are used to support the points made. The ideas are well-developed and logically organized.
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay has a clear introduction that introduces the topic and presents the main points to be discussed. The body paragraphs present the benefits and drawbacks of parental influence, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect. Transition words and phrases are used effectively to create coherence and connect ideas. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the author's opinion.
Vocabulary: The vocabulary used in the essay is generally appropriate and varied. There is evidence of a range of vocabulary related to the topic, such as "manager-parents," "high moral parents," and "stable career path." However, there is room for improvement in terms of using more sophisticated vocabulary and collocations. Additionally, some phrases could be revised for clarity and precision.
Grammar: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar overall. There are minor errors and awkward phrasings that could be improved, such as "a huge period in time" (better as "a significant period of time") and "go to multiple tutoring schools in hopes of scoring high on exams" (better as "attend multiple tutoring schools in the hope of achieving high scores on exams"). These errors do not significantly hinder understanding, but polishing the grammar would enhance the overall quality of the essay.
Lexical Resource: The essay shows a good range of vocabulary and uses it appropriately. However, there is potential for further development in terms of using more precise and nuanced vocabulary to enhance the essay's overall quality.
Based on the above analysis, I would rate this essay as follows:
Task Achievement: 8
Coherence and Cohesion: 8
Lexical Resource: 7
Grammar: 7
Overall, the essay would likely receive a score of around 7.5 for IELTS Task 2. To improve, focus on refining the use of vocabulary and grammar, particularly by incorporating more sophisticated and precise language. Additionally, ensure that sentence structures are clear and concise throughout the essay.
In today's society, an individual’s occupation in some situations is dependent on their guardian’s decisions. Nevertheless, two distinct viewpoints exist regarding this practiced tradition, one supporting it, while the other tends to disagree. In my view, I fully embrace this asserted claim, but realize the multiple drawbacks that can emerge.
ReplyDeleteOn the one hand, a number of households at present are allowing their children to decide independently when it comes to choosing the most favorable field they will like to work in the future. Moreover, a wide range of pros will appear when a person has to rely on themself to determine their life-long profession. For instance, by providing the youth with the full opportunity to discover themselves without boundaries, a more honest result can be attained by self-evaluation. This finally, will reveal the most accurate goal in the life of a student, fostering a clearer target for them to work for.
On the contrary, on some occasions, one’s career might be influenced by the thought and views of their mother and father. This situation is recognized as common, in addition to being perceived as collaboratively mandatory. For example, in the eastern part of the globe, choices related to deciding on a child’s future are widely affected by their family. Nevertheless, too much influence from the guardians has the potential to suppress one’s voice, disabling them to follow the route that they are truly passionate about.
To sum up, many have noticed that in the current era, the recent issue of parent involvement for the sake of a child’s future aspiration has sparked. Furthermore, divergent opinions about whether this action is suitably required or forming boundaries, not to mention limiting capabilities have popped up among various groups. To manage this problem productively, the new generation should be permitted to have more freedom, but also stay under the care of adults for quality guidance.
Essay Score: 6.5
DeleteCriteria breakdown:
Task Response: 7. The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing the benefits and drawbacks of parental influence in career decisions. It provides relevant examples and shares the writer's opinion. However, the discussion could be more in-depth and provide more specific examples.
Coherence and Cohesion: 6. The essay is generally well-organized, with clear introduction, body, and conclusion paragraphs. The ideas are presented logically, but some sentences could be better connected to improve the flow of the essay.
Lexical Resource: 6. The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement in terms of using more precise and varied vocabulary. Some words and phrases are repeated, and a more sophisticated word choice would enhance the essay.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7. The essay shows a good command of grammar, with generally accurate sentence structures and a variety of sentence types. However, there are a few errors in verb tense consistency and sentence construction that could be corrected for greater accuracy.
Overall, the essay addresses the task well and presents a clear opinion. However, to improve the score, the essay could benefit from providing more specific examples, enhancing the coherence and flow, using more precise vocabulary, and ensuring greater grammatical accuracy.
Grammar corrected
DeleteIn today's society, an individual's occupation, in some situations, depends on their parents' decisions. However, two distinct viewpoints exist regarding this traditional practice, one supporting it, while the other tends to disagree. In my view, I fully embrace this assertion, but I also realize the multiple drawbacks that can arise.
On the one hand, some households nowadays allow their children to independently choose the field they would like to work in the future. Moreover, various advantages emerge when individuals rely on themselves to determine their lifelong profession. For instance, by providing young people with the opportunity to explore their true selves without constraints, they can achieve a more authentic self-evaluation. Ultimately, this helps them discover their genuine life goals and provides them with a clearer target to work towards.
On the contrary, in certain situations, one's career may be influenced by the thoughts and views of their parents. This phenomenon is common and sometimes perceived as necessary collaboration. For example, in the eastern part of the world, decisions about a child's future are often heavily influenced by their family. However, excessive influence from parents can suppress an individual's voice, preventing them from pursuing a path they are truly passionate about.
To sum up, many have observed that parent involvement in shaping a child's future aspirations has become a prominent issue in the current era. Furthermore, divergent opinions exist regarding the necessity of this action and its potential to impose boundaries and limit capabilities. To address this issue effectively, the younger generation should be granted more freedom while also receiving quality guidance from adults.
Some suggestion of improvement:
DeleteIn many cultures, parents play a significant role in determining their child's future career path. This practice has both advantages and disadvantages. In this essay, I will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of parental influence in career decisions and provide relevant examples. While I support the involvement of parents in guiding their children's career choices, I acknowledge the potential limitations that can arise.
On one hand, there is a growing trend in households where children are encouraged to independently choose their desired career path. This approach offers several advantages. Firstly, by allowing young individuals to explore various options without restrictions, they can engage in self-evaluation and gain a deeper understanding of their interests and abilities. This process of self-discovery leads to a more authentic and fulfilling career choice. For example, a student who has the freedom to explore different fields may discover a passion for art and decide to pursue a career as a painter. This autonomy fosters personal growth and a clearer sense of purpose.
On the contrary, there are instances where a person's career decisions may be heavily influenced by their parents' thoughts and opinions. This phenomenon is prevalent in many Eastern cultures, where family plays a pivotal role in shaping a child's future. However, excessive parental influence can stifle an individual's voice and prevent them from pursuing their true passions. It is crucial to strike a balance between parental guidance and allowing children to follow their own aspirations. For instance, if a child has a genuine interest in becoming a musician but is pressured by their parents to pursue a more traditional profession, their creativity and potential may be stifled.
In conclusion, the issue of parental involvement in determining a child's career path has become increasingly prominent in today's society. Varying viewpoints exist regarding the necessity of this practice, with some arguing for its importance and others highlighting its potential limitations in constraining individual capabilities. To address this issue effectively, the younger generation should be granted more autonomy in making career choices while still benefiting from the guidance and support of their parents or guardians. This balanced approach will empower individuals to pursue their passions while receiving valuable mentorship. By striking this equilibrium, we can ensure that young people are able to make informed career decisions that align with their true aspirations and capabilities.